I’ve been thinking a lot about my future these past few days, more than I have previously thought. Big changes are coming up. I will no longer be able to sustain my educational endeavors if I so chose. It is a scary thought in all honesty. For the first time in my life, I am going to be following a lonely path.
The crashing depths of life has marooned me to confusion and indifference. I am close to obtaining freedom and a bachelors degree, yet I have nothing else to show for it. No incredible GPA. No internship. No lucrative jobs lining up. My biggest achievements have all been in relation to online writing, and this hasn’t shown any promise of sustainability. My best accomplishments are meaningless to all my peers. It is the one thing that has defined me as a person for over 22 years.
I do realize how it is not too late to turn the ship around on my own terms. I still don’t have to give into the void of a Monday-through-Friday job. I can still make a living as a writer if I so chose, and I know what I must do to make this possible. Writing must take possession of my spirits on a far more maniacal level. The very burden of silence and strokes should become my eternal torment. I say this in the most humanistic of terms, for it is my belief that all human endeavors are a torment of existence.
The belief is based on the observation of my peers. Everywhere around me I see people establishing themselves on jobs they will grow to hate. Some learn to handle it through lies and wishful thinking, others end up losing their humanity, and most end up dead without ever feeling free. I see all the money they generate and I ask myself if I would be happy if I was that person. I would love to have their money, but I am certain that the access to this mean would change me. I wonder what type of person I’d be. It is best not to know.
At the end of the day, my life took a different path than those of my peers. I wasn’t interested in advancing my career in finance, and I still feel this way, despite being on the verge of completing my Bachelors. My plans are to get the infernal degree in the hopes of never having to hear about finances ever again. If such is the case, this leaves me with an uncertain future. Who knows how I’ll feel about these proclamations by May or August of next year, but I can assure myself with this essay that this is how I feel right now.
I came to a powerful awakening in March about creativity and knowledge. For a very short time, I felt to have been in possession of clarity and vision as to my purpose, but what soon followed in the coming months was a collapse of certainty. I don’t see this phase as a bearer of false promises. The realization that took place was true, and it still is. I am certain that I all I want to do for the rest of my life is to explore the philosophical inquiries of civilization through essays, reporting, and fiction. I don’t want to be a financial analyst for the rest of my life. I don’t want to work my ass off for a six-figure salary if it means to never be able to fully understand the world around me.
I wish to explore this dichotomy of ideas that I seem to have developed in relation to corporate jobs a little bit more if I may. My stance seems to be that working in such a style hinders the ability of an individual from being who he truly is. The people who work those jobs appear to think so themselves, but they seem to accept this as a fact of life, without doing absolutely nothing to change their circumstances, and even that option is not in their control.
My main frustration during all this year has been my inability to expand and dedicate wholeheartedly to writing despite having the intellectual capabilities of doing so. That is not say that I have been wasting all of my time nonetheless. However, I would be lying if I said I’ve been doing everything I can to make this a reality. The truth is that I have brought this on myself most of the time, and in the middle of despair I continue to sink lower and lower into the shallow waters of pessimism as I fail to find the strength to correct these mistakes.
I have taken things very easy these past few months. My focus was on avoiding stress by spending as much time as possible in a relaxed, engaged, and entertained state of mind. Perhaps it is best for my focus to change to a more pragmatic and disciplined approach to writing. The search for truth, understanding, and knowledge have all been a driving force in my life. I feel that I must continue searching for such ideas if I am to survive.